Says our spy “9 of 60″:

The film opens with a 007-like mini-adventure where we see Commander Kirk resisting being taken over by a certain familiar technological race. When asked how he was able to fight off the cybernetic implants, Kirk responds by saying “Only a Frenchman wouldn’t be able to beat those robots,” while winking at the plucky Lt Jean-Pierre Picard.

The exterior may have the classic lines, but the interiors of the spankin’-new U.S.S. Enterprise are getting a 21st-century makeover courtesy of the film’s design team. Synopsis pages leaked to us by our Loyal Spies mention virtual control panels a la Minority Report, “hard light” holographic spacesuits, “nanoscopic brain implant lattices” for universal translation, and a special crimson “target fabric” that draws enemy fire away from the imperiled heroes.

FLASH! Our man inside found a batch of production photos that, um, er, fell off a truck on the studio lot. Most of these weren’t very enlightening, although we did enjoy the ones labeled “Tribble Hive” and “Smoke Monster’s Lair.” However, one pic that caught our attention: this exclusive first sighting of Zachary Quinto in full costume as Mr. Spock.

Curiously, the photo seemed to have been damaged in the developing process, deforming the Heroes hunk’s ears and giving a sickly greenish cast to his skin. Your humble editors have corrected these flaws so our beloved readers can experience the effect as intended by the film’s creators.

We just received this from one of our spies who saw the teaser trailer this morning at a Cloverfield screening on the lot:

Slow Paramount logo.Bad Robot logo.

SPACE. Sparks. A welding iron touching plate metal.

We hear an old NASA radio countdown: “30 seconds and counting.”

Close up of SIMON PEGG’S SCOTTY welding something in space. There is an REVERSED Apple Logo on the inside of his helmet and he’s talking to CHRIS PINE’S KIRK. “It’s lookin’ good, sir.”

ON SCREEN TEXT:
From director J.J. Abrams

CAMERA pulls back as we hear Kennedy’s speech about the new frontier: “We stand at the edge of a New Frontier – the frontier of unfulfilled hopes and dreams.”

HUNDREDS of workers on the exterior of ENTERPRISE. Welders, etc.

We hear the speech continue “It will deal with unsolved problems of peace and war, unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice, unanswered questions of poverty and surplus.”

The camera pans across the the ship and into deep space.

Title: “The future begins”.

We move into warp speed, the stars flying past.

Neil Armstrong: “One small step for man…”

Then we hear Chris Pine intone: “Space. The final frontier…” as the familiar Star Trek theme horns swell underneath.

The POV drops from warp speed and we’re hovering over a small frontier world. A Klingon warship destroys a small freighter.

We hear: “Choo wanna piece of us, Esse?”

HARD FADE TO BLACK.
Then: just the familiar Starfleet logo.

Title card: “Under construction”.

“Christmas 2008.”

Are you getting that Tingle? We are.

A studio document obtained by our sources shows that the following brands have paid for on-screen placement in Star Trek:

• General Motors (Specifically Chevrolet)
• Red Bull
• Samsung
• LG
• Motorola (for the communicators?)
• Swanson’s Frozen Dinners
• Culligan Water
• Bose Home Audio

While this may look like an invasive amount of endorsement, the memo we’ve obtained discusses making the placement in the feature as seamless as possible as to not detract from the audience experience.  While fans may protest sight unseen, it’s obvious why such things have to take place. Star Trek XI’s budget, when combined with fiscal concerns on Paramount’s part, means that the studio needs to take every chance it can to get outside financing.

Despite the on-set media blackout, sources close to the Star Trek production have let slip an exciting tidbit: geek icon Kevin Smith and his frequent on-screen companion Jason Mewes will be appearing in a brief on-screen cameo as two ensigns operating under the command of Montgomery Scott. While Smith’s character will maintain his trademark silence, Mewes will be heard asking Scotty “What the hell is a bairn? If it’s a slutty chick, can I f**k her?”

Smith has frequently referred to the Star Wars films in his movies, so his Star Trek-related appearance is well worth noting.

According to our man on the Star Trek XI lot, look for John “Sulu” Cho to cross rapiers with Harold and Kumar co-star Kal Penn, who has an extended cameo as a pugnacious Klingon bandito.

Production executives declined to comment, but a source close to the production said “Kal and John have been practicing for weeks to get their swordplay just right. It’s like a couple of Jedi in there. How much more Star Trek can you get?”

To hew closer to Gene Roddenberry’s original vision for Star Trek, the Klingons featured in the new movie will actually be a spacefaring race of Mexicans. While they will not feature in the film’s main plot, there will be a group of them touring the Academy training grounds under tight security during the opening sequence.

Our source says: “After Enterprise established that there had been contact between Klingons and the nascent Federation, it seemed odd to exclude them entirely from the film. Getting the chance to re-imagine them according to Roddenberry’s (admittedly surprising) initial notes was something we couldn’t afford to miss.”

There is no word if the featured Klingons will be “nobbly headed” or not.

Simon Pegg’s interpretation of Montgomery Scott, better known as “Scotty” to millions of fans worldwide, will not feature the accent championed by James Doohan over his tenure during the original Star Trek series. Instead, according to reports from the set, Pegg will be using an Irish accent.

“Abrams is well aware of the fact that this completely undermines what the fans have come to expect from the character, and believes this is just one of the many kicks to the pants that the Star Trek franchise needs,” said a source close to the project.